This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like something that I like. 

Dear Reader, 

It gives me no pleasure to reveal this to my readers, but I need to tell you the truth – I’m an absolute goddamn sweat monster. There’s rarely a day that goes by where I’m not sweating through at least one article of clothing, even in the colder months. (Have I bothered to seek medical attention for this affliction? Why the hell would I ever do that?) I wish I could say that I’m used to being covered in a thin layer of salt mucus, but I’ve never found it comfortable. 

Being sweaty might actually be one of the worst possible feelings, up there with having to be outside on a very windy day. (Other than providing power (which many people don’t seem to take advantage of), do we really need the wind? It’s not like we’re circumnavigating the globe in sailboats anymore.) When I feel smothered in a layer of gross, I can’t concentrate on anything else. I can only think about how everybody must be judging my body’s inability to keep itself cool. And one of the last places you want to be judged for the performance of your body is your own bedroom. 

So I took matters into my own hands. 

I highly recommend buying an air conditioner. 

Why? 

Not Sweating While I Sleep 

I’ve sweat through almost every article of clothing I own, including my shoes. (Getting sweat out of shoes is a serious ordeal that I still haven’t mastered.) But there’s something about sweating in clothes that feels ok. I sweat in my clothes when I’m working out, but so does everybody else. Everybody else does not wake up in a swamp of their own stench after a hot summer night. I just couldn’t do it anymore. How can you possibly expect to have a good day when you’re sticky before you even roll out of bed? (It’s impossible. I’ve tried.) I am firmly and forever a member of Team I Need It As Cold As Possible When I Sleep. 

Not Sweating While I’m Getting Dressed 

As I mentioned, sweating in clothes isn’t a problem. But have you ever tried to get dressed when you’re already sweating? Even the starchiest of cotton t-shirts gets stuck in ways I don’t want to be stuck. And don’t get me started on socks – I can barely pull those (always mid-calf length) things past my achilles tendon before I resign in despair. If I was still stuck sweating while trying to slide on pants (after putting on my socks first), I would still be stuck in my room, if only because we haven’t reached a point in society where it’s ok to be out in public baring your sweaty thighs. 

Not Sweating While I Read 

I don’t do much in my tiny New York City bedroom, but I do enjoy a good book or magazine while lying flat on my back. Sweating into those pieces of printed media (especially when they’re pieces of printed media I don’t own) doesn’t make for a very enjoyable reading experience. While we’re here, I would love to have a third arm that could do things like grab a drink or a handful of snacks, allowing me to keep two hands firmly grasped on whatever I’m trying to read. If my third arm could do this and only this, it would still be worth the price. What else could I possibly do with a third upper body limb? 

Not Sweating While I’m On The Phone 

So I might have been exaggerating about the reading part. (I DO know how to read, but it’s not like I do it THAT often.) Because I’m a true Millennial™, I also enjoy thumbing my way through the Timeline while flat on my back. Even though I paid too much for that new iPhone that’s supposed to be *wAtEr ReSiStAnT*, I don’t believe it. I’m deathly afraid a bead of rogue sweat rolling off my forehead will irrevocably damage the one thing that keeps me connected to the outside world. 

Not Sweating Before I Sweat For The Rest Of The Day 

Activity that results in sweat is totally acceptable. But rest that results in sweat? That probably just means there’s something wrong with my body. Or maybe that’s something I can blame on global warming? (How many of my daily inconveniences can I blame on global warming before people start to think that my daily inconveniences aren’t worth caring about? Much of my conversation revolves around trivial gripes, so I can’t afford to have people stop caring about the things that bother me.) 

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about buying an air conditioner. 

Actively Contributing To Climate Change 

Listen, I don’t leave that thing on when I’m not in my room. But I can’t help but wonder how much lower my carbon footprint would be if I just resigned myself to perpetually living in a swamp of my body’s creation. I know that one tiny little air conditioner probably isn’t doing much in the grand scheme of things (here’s looking at you fossil fuels), but I do live in a place that will probably be underwater before I have the chance to reach peak physical attractiveness. (That should happen by the time I’m in my late 30’s.) So if I want people to witness my final form, I should probably figure out a way to keep the Earth a little cooler – but not with an A/C. (Side note – what if we created an A/C so big it could reverse the effects of global warming? Science, call me. I think I can help.) 

Am I sweating while I’m writing this? You better believe it. But I’m not writing this post from the comfort of my chemically cooled bedroom. I’m writing this from one of those bars where people “work”. As much as I’m a proponent of relaxing when you have a drink, I do believe that this development is a positive move away from coffee shops. There are too many coffee shops. 

love, 

nicholas