This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like something that I like.

Dear Reader,

When runners (like real runners who run all the time) run, they get a buzz. Similar to the kind of buzz I get when you shotgun a couple of cheap beers. As many times as I have tried to find the former buzz, the latter buzz is much more attainable. And honestly, that’s ok. Drinking beer is (usually) a lot more fun than permanently damaging my joints by shuffling through Prospect Park at a slower than average pace for a relatively fit twenty-six year old.

But neither buzz compares to the buzz I’m much more embarrassed to admit I constantly seek. The buzz that’s consistently available in my left-front pocket. The buzz that makes me a dyed in the wool millennial more than anything else I do (except for maybe my lack of home ownership). In a life filled with doing things that could potentially be addictive, it is my one true addition.

I highly recommend scrolling.

Why?

Natural, Fluid Motion

Out of all the great technological innovations, the bottomless pit feed is perhaps the most insidious and incredible invention. When you follow enough people, you can move your thumb until the end of time while watching photo after video after GIF flow by in an endless river of content. And holy shit is it smooth. The digital stream just looks so right as carefully produced junk flickers past my eyes. Whoever designed this stuff knew what they were doing. (And most likely knew that it would be addictive, but what’s the point of worrying about a creator’s intention when the thing they produced is already out of control?) Real rivers are good too, I guess. But they don’t bring me deep fried memes.

Fake Speed

I’ve always liked going fast. But since I’m not a fast runner (as mentioned above), my speed options have been limited to cars - until I saw how fast I could zoom through the timeline with just one simple thumb movement. Yeah I know it’s not real. But when I can’t read a Tweet because of how quickly it goes from the bottom to top of my iPhone 7 Plus screen, that’s “speed”.

Thumb Exercise

Speaking of thumb movement, my thumbs have never looked my svelte. All of this scrolling has really beefed up my oppenens pollicis muscle to previously un-beefed levels. I’ve always heard that consistent physical activity is a major part of staying toned, but I wasn’t truly convinced until comparing my thumbs to someone who spends much more time IRL. My thumbs look good.

Knowing What’s Going On

Since we’re out here admitting faults, I’m one of those people that desperately needs to know what’s going on. You listen to a daily news podcast? I’m subscribed to three. You read the newspaper? That’s complicated. (They’re so big!) You like to get on Twitter and browse the trending topics so you’re aware of what’s happening in the world? I literally have trouble taking my eyes off the TL because I want to know what’s happening before everyone else. And when I do, it’s worth it.

Shutting My Brain Off

After discovering that precious piece of breaking news, my scrolling gets a little more relaxed. I might not read your punny IG post copy. I might not look at 10 posts in a row, instead choosing to fly past them. I shut my brain off, and it’s one of the best feelings in the world. (As long as I can turn it back on in time to remember to buy paper towels and soy sauce on the way home from work.)

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about scrolling.

It Makes My Life A Living Hell

If you’ve read through this entire post and thought “it sounds like this guy has really let scrolling take over his life and that’s probably not a good thing”, you’re right. I’m glad that’s coming through. Honestly, I’m glad that I still have even a little bit of competence when it comes to stringing words together in the English language. There’s a fine line between turning my brain off and letting my brain rot. And the satisfaction I get from scrolling is pretty frustrating.

How much do you have to run before you start getting a runner’s high? Because I ran three miles this morning and I didn’t feel it. Please don’t tell me you need to be one of those ultra-marathoners. That’s not fair. No one should be running that far. Or is it a speed thing? Maybe if I increase my pace I can outrun the timeline. Maybe if I spend more time with the Nike Run Club app, I’ll spend less time looking at the ‘gram.

I’ll let you know how it goes. (If I don’t keep scrolling and let my brain rot.)

love,

nicholas