This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like something that I like.

Dear Reader,

Have you ever tried to clean out the inside of your backpack? Like when your terribly bland lunch you prepped over the weekend leaks out of the cheap tupperware container you stored it in, covering all of your belongings in some unidentifiable food juice? And then your Macbook charger smells like that ill-fated attempt at a crock pot meal you convinced yourself was a better deal than just going to Sweetgreen for your midday break from the monotony of your daily existence? And then weeks later, you realize that you didn’t really get all of the unidentifiable food juice out on the first pass and you find a crumpled (but important) piece of paper at the bottom of your bag that looks like it’s been dipped in blood?

God, it’s the fucking worst.

Sometimes the container that holds my mint flavored toothpicks busts open and spills toothpicks all over the tiny front pocket of my backpack. It’s not the fucking worst, but it’s the worst. But having a solid supply of mint flavored toothpicks is worth it.

I highly recommend using mint flavored toothpicks.

Why?

Cleaning The Gunk Out Of My Big Horse Teeth

It’s one of the mint flavored toothpick’s most practical purposes, but it’s also the most important. When you’ve got teeth like I do, not one meal passes where you don’t get some errant piece of lettuce or grain of brown rice lodged between incisors. I used to try and get those out with my tongue, but I’m not that tongue-talented. Now, with a couple flicks of the trusty ‘pick, my teeth are food free. (Even if they might still be giant and yellow.)

Freshness

Just removing leftovers from my mouth is a big step toward freshness, but mint flavored toothpicks go to the next level. There’s an extra level of flavor that makes me feel like I’m prepared to have a really close, face-to-face conversation with someone and not be afraid of weird breath stench. I’m a huge mint head, so anything mint is right in my wheelhouse. So take it from me: if you want to be fresh, you can’t use peach flavored toothpicks or some shit. Mint matters.

Physical Distraction

Sometimes you just need something physical to help pass the time. Typing gets boring. I love scrolling, but you can only do so much. Scratching a good itch is always nice (maybe a future topic?), but sometimes you’re just not itchy. The toothpick is here to tide you over. Move it around in your mouth. Fiddle it between your fingers. It’s the most simple physical distractions that are the most satisfying.

Looking Like Ryan Gosling in Drive

My friend Austin and I saw this movie in college and immediately bought toothpicks on the way home from the theater like impressionable little nerds. When our friend Danny asked if we had toothpicks lodged in our mouth because of Ryan Gosling in Drive, we couldn’t deny it. If anything, that look was slightly less visually arresting than when we bleached our hair after seeing Ryan Gosling in The Place Beyond The Pines. If Ryan Gosling lost a leg tomorrow and was forever confined to a wheelchair, there’s a good chance I’d be buying a wheelchair on Amazon.

Non-Conversation Starter

There’s a lot of things you can stick in your mouth that would cause people to ask “why do you have that in your mouth?” Toothpicks aren’t one of them. And I really appreciate that.

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about using mint flavored toothpicks.

Injury

Man, toothpicks are sharp. And I get why. (Refer to Cleaning The Gunk Out Of My Big Horse Teeth) But more often than not, I end up unintentionally stabbing myself in my already weak gums. It’s not like it hurts, but it hurts. More in a pride way than a physical way. Maybe it’ll take me twenty-six more years to figure out how to put a toothpick in my mouth without committing some sort of self-harm.

When I open the tiny front pocket of my backpack to find it full of loose mint flavored toothpicks, it’s hard to get mad. I take one, stab myself in the gums and then carefully place it between my lips so I look as cool as possible while carefully scooping dozens of tiny sticks back into a tiny box. (I don’t look very cool.) I’ll be sad one day when I open the tiny front pocket of my backpack to find that my supply of mint flavored toothpicks has run out. And when that happens, they better get here faster than the last shipment (seven day - Prime my ass!).

love,

nicholas