This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like stuff that I like.

Dear Reader,

When you look like an asshole, do you know that you look like an asshole? Like, do you know that everybody is looking at you and thinking “who the hell does this guy think he is walking around like a real asshole”? Do you know that you’re the guy who people complain about to their roommate when they get home? Do you know that you probably look like an asshole because you’re wearing wireless headphones? Because you’re wearing Apple AirPods?

When I’m wearing mine, I know. And I don’t really give a shit.

I highly recommend investing in a good pair of wireless headphones.

Why?

The Appearance Of Wealth Without Spending Money

I think I look like an asshole because a lot of assholes have wealth, or at least the appearance of it. (If you’ve ever met me, you know that I own a legit Givenchy cashmere scarf. Yes, that isn’t really a benchmark for opulence, but it’s the only designer piece I own. I bring it up a lot.) Owning and perpetually wearing the Apple AirPods is my way of having a status symbol with a practical purpose; a way for me to show people I can afford (lol) a pair of $120 headphones that people who are much higher than me on Forbes billionaire list also wear to the gym. Although my ears are usually full of the most popular expensive headphones, my bank account is only in the triple digits.

General Head Freedom

I can’t claim that I’m doing a lot of outrageous head movements, but I love knowing that I have the ability to do so while blasting podcasts at an unnecessarily loud volume. It’s such a weird (but good) feeling to be enveloped by conversations that continue to rattle around in your head no matter where you move. And who knows when you’re going to end up in a situation where you need to quickly jerk your head in the opposite direction. You’ve done it while tethered to a pair of earbuds that run down to your pocket. And you’ve experienced the residual ear pain that has the power to convince you to fire up amazon.com and cop some bluetooth enabled buds.

Phone Calls

It’s fun to talk to on the phone without actually holding a phone. Simple pleasures, baby.

Pretending To Be An Early Adopter

Technology is cool as hell, but I don’t care enough to have the most recent piece of it. It’s hard enough to keep up with the content industrial system and at least that’s a little cheaper than regularly visiting the Apple store. But I care so much about having wireless headphones that I’m going to shell out for the most recent drop. They’re so good! And they make me look like I’m the kind of guy who knows what’s popping in the tech space. It’s a good flex when I’m on the group video chat with my college friends who most likely aren’t using headphones at all. They always ask me what’s different about living in New York when they can see it jutting out of my tiny little ears.

No De-Tangling

Holy shit having to deal with tangled up headphone wires is absolutely demoralizing. Even the most masterful problem solver can be stumped by a mess of cords that had been stewing in their pocket for a few hours. I will never de-tangle again. And I’m living a much better life because of that.

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about wireless headphones.

I’m Definitely Going To Lose Them

Even though my Apple AirPods came with the very convenient carrying/charging case, it’s not enough. While trying to either put them in my ears or the case, I drop them at least once a day. It’s only a matter of time before I drop them in a very inconvenient situation. Like trying to board the subway. Or in one of those helicopters without doors. Or while I’m standing over the toilet. I know it’s going to happen and I’m already saving money to buy a replacement pair when it does.

Will I look like even more of an asshole when I finally drop my Apple AirPods while crossing the street, only to see them bounce their way down an open manhole cover? Will the people who used to call me an asshole claim that I deserved that fate? (They wouldn’t necessarily be wrong.) Will I stop being so self-conscious about my wireless headphones if that happens?

Probably not. Nor will I stop wearing them. And when you finally buy a pair after reading this, you better give me credit.

love,

nicholas