This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like something that I like.

Dear Reader,

I am the Snack King™. If there is a snack to be had, I’ve snacked it. I’ve explored the sweet, the salty, the somewhere in between. I’ve had to work hard to become the Snack King™, putting in time with the more obscure snacks that others think they’re too good for. No snack is too good for me.

After all of the blood, sweat and saliva that I’ve poured into snacking, one clear favorite rises to the top. A snack that isn’t critically acclaimed. A snack that many people might not even consider a standalone snack. (Those people shouldn’t be allowed to snack.) It’s a snack I’ll never get tired of.

I highly recommend eating plain oyster crackers as a snack.

Why?

Perfect Size

Snacks are meant to be consumed in one bite. But when you can eat something in bite and easily eat it in handfuls, it’s perfect. If I’m just dipping my toe in the bag, I can snack on one at a time. But shoving my grubby paws in the bag for a massive handful isn’t out of the question.

Perfect Salty-ness

I’ve got a little bit of a sweet tooth, but I don’t consider anything sweet a snack. If it’s sweet, it’s dessert. (Which means that yes, you can have snack dessert.) The most important quality of a savory snack is the salt level: too much and you start to feel dehydrated; too little and you feel like you aren’t eating anything at all. Oyster crackers have just a sprinkle on top, which can only mean that there is a dedicated salter at the oyster cracker factory who has spent years perfecting their craft. (I wouldn’t mind having that job.) Also, don’t try adding any other spices because you think the flavor profile is boring. It’s not. It’s all you need. Trust the oyster cracker.

Perfect Consistency

A snack has gotta be crunchy. In fact, I prefer most of my foods crunchy. Get that goddamn mush out of here. If something is mushy, it doesn’t deserve to exist. Oyster crackers put up just the right amount of fight before they’re destroyed by my teeth. And it’s a crunch I can count on, no matter where I’m at in the bag. Gotta have that crunch baby.

Perfect Calorie Count

Lindsey has long maintained that eating oyster crackers is like eating nothing, so what’s the point. In a way, it is - there are only 4 calories in one oyster cracker. You might say that when you eat the amount of oyster crackers that I eat in one sitting, that really adds up. I would say that I’m not a fan of math.

Perfect Price

A bag of these perfect little bites usually costs around a dollar, sometimes cheaper. And it’s not like you get 3 or 4 servings in a bag. You get 17! Name one other snack that gives you 17 servings in one container. And even if you can name one of those other snacks, is it a snack that you actually want to eat 17 servings of?

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about eating plain oyster crackers as a snack.

There Aren’t Enough In The Bag

Yeah, 17 servings seems like a lot. But it’s not enough. It will never be enough.

As the Snack King™, I will no doubt continue to explore all of the snack options that exist. And I’ll try as hard as I can to have an open mind. Maybe a new snack will come across my snack inbox that changes my mind about giving oyster crackers a permanent gold medal in the snack olympics. But until then, you can give those unwanted oyster crackers you got with your soup to me. I’ll eat them.

love,

nicholas