This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like stuff I like.

Dear Reader,

Here’s a game I’ll sometimes play with myself while I’m on the subway: count how many people in my car are wearing hats and then guess whether that number will go up, down or stay the same after people get on and off at the next stop. (I’ve got a good imagination, right? I’m not boring, right?)

Playing this game inevitably leads to judging the hat game of my other commuters. And that means looking at a lot of Yankees fitteds, cheap dad hats not worn by dads and the occasional fedora. Judging hats inevitably leads to wondering why the hat-wearers are wearing hats in the first place.

Are they like me, covering up for the fact that they’re balding in the mid-twenties? Or are they unsatisfied with their most recent trip to the barber? Are they wondering what it would be like to shear their own locks, no matter how many they have? Because I’m not.

I highly recommend cutting your own hair.

Why?

Budget Friendly

Let me start this off by stating that I don’t really have a budget: I spend the majority of my money on rent, food, drink and clothes. Then I spend the rest on popcorn at the movie theater, which doesn’t really fall into the food category. (While we’re at it, I don’t think movie theater calories should count either.) Because of this “budget”, I don’t have much left over for things like haircuts. A small initial investment of twenty bucks on a set of Wahl clippers has me set up for months of what I consider free haircuts.

Source Of Excuses

When you go out in public looking like shit, it’s probably your fault. And while we’ve all bricked a fit and had to live with it for the rest of the day, you don’t get much sympathy by telling people that you’ve got better clothes back at home. But no one expects you to be completely in charge of your hair. So when my buzz cut is patchy, I throw out the “that’s to be expected because I cut my own hair and I’m not a professional” excuse. And more often than not, I get a “that’s fair” in response. (Sometimes I get a “you’re an adult with a salary that can at least afford a trip to a GreatClips so that’s not a good excuse”, but those people are mean.)

Practice For A Possible Career Shift

Speaking of not being a professional hair stylist, there’s no reason I couldn’t become a professional hair stylist. I was the resident barber in my college friend group and was paid quite a few six packs of PBR tall boys to shave the sides of everyone’s heads. I like to think that every one of my weekend buzz cut sessions is another step towards renting a chair in the barber shop around the corner. It can’t be that hard to learn how to do cuts that require scissors.

Regularly Scheduled Alone Time

I don’t want this to sound like I never get any alone time, but if you live in an apartment with at least one other person, you understand how valuable alone time is. And when you live with your significant other, you understand how valuable justified alone time is. (It always feels just a little weird to say things like “I want to read a book alone right now can you please not talk to me.”) Cutting my own hair is the perfect way to hole up in the bathroom and touch myself without feeling a tinge of guilt when I’m done.

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about cutting your own hair.

Have you ever tried to clean up hair? It’s the worst thing to clean up. (And as the owner of a weak stomach, I’ve cleaned up my fair share of vomit.) How do barbers do it? Does GreatClips have some sort of proprietary vacuum technology that doesn’t cause their stylists to go insane when they have to remove every little clipping from the floor? How do I get access to that technology? Why can’t they make it commercially available? Why does all of my hair still get on the ground no matter what protective measure I take (garbage can, towel, etc.) I take? Why do I find my clippings stuck to a t-shirt four days after my trim? Why?

Full disclosure: I wore a hat on the subway today. But not because I’m ashamed of my self-inflicted haircut. It’s rainy. And I don’t like it when cold raindrops splash onto my bare head. And I don’t like to carry around an umbrella. Actually, I don’t like to carry anything at all. But that’s another letter entirely.

love,

nicholas