This is highly recommended, a series where I provide a compelling argument for why you should like something that I like. 

Dear Reader, 

[extremely Jerry Seinfeld voice] 

What’s the deal with “nice” shorts? I’m talking about those shorts that are basically chinos cut off and hemmed right above the knee. The kind of shorts that dudes pair with a J. Crew short-sleeve button down a pair of generic white low-top sneakers for a night out with their girlfriend at a restaurant that’s just a little nice. If the establishment you’re visiting is too nice to wear the only shorts worth wearing, why are you wearing shorts at all? 

One of the best parts of about the only shorts worth wearing is the elastic waistband with the built in drawstring. Based on my consumption habits, I can adjust on the fly to make sure that more shorts stay where they need to be. But when it’s time to switch to pants for my dinner that’s a little nice, I have to add an accessory. But it’s an accessory I’m not mad about. 

I highly recommend wearing a belt. 

Why? 

Keeping My Pants Up 

I am VERY glad we’ve moved away from the low-rise trend, as I prefer to keep my pants way up on my hips like a septuagenarian. It just feels more comfortable. Keeping my pants up so they don’t reveal what’s happening underneath my pants is also a pretty reliable way to keep social situations more comfortable. (This should not be an indication that anything weird is happening underneath my pants. Do NOT read it that way.) Unfortunately, keeping my pants up is not directly correlated to keeping my hopes up. 

Assisting With Aspirational Waistline 

There are many more effective ways to reach your goal waist size. But as much mental and physical satisfaction as I get from working out, it’s never going to be as motivating as pain and shame. Cinching my belt just a little bit tighter encourages me to engage in a diet plan that means what feels tight now won’t feel tight in a couple of weeks. Because if this blogging thing doesn’t work out, I’ll have to fall back on my second choice: becoming a model.

Satisfying Enclosure Method 

For the sake of clarity, anything beyond the traditional little metal bar that pokes into the hole type of belt enclosure is absolute garbage. I only fuck with traditional belts. When I gracefully guide that strap of faux-leather through each belt loop and clasp everything together, I feel prepared to take on absolutely anything. As relaxing as the elastic waistband can be, I don’t get the same sense of accomplishment when I hoist it up around my waist. 

Put Belt Loops To Good Use 

It’s all in the name – belt loops were built for belts. I get irrationally angry whenever I see people using their belt loops to dangle their house keys from a carabiner. Do you have so much shit in your pockets that you can’t add a few keys? Are you trying to show off how many keys you have? How is that possibly a flex? If you don’t need to use belt loops because you’re good at buying pants that fit, I’ll give you a pass for leaving belt loops empty. But using them for something else? Blasphemy. 

Subtle Chance To Flex 

Flaunting your affluence is tricky business. If you go too big, you can be labeled as incredibly gaudy. (Unless you’re going for gaudy (and sometimes that’s a good thing), that’s not a good thing.) But if you don’t go big enough, you’ll never recover from being viewed as totally lame. The area around your waist is the perfect place on the body to flex. And the belt is the most appropriate way to do it. Unless you go tucked (generally unrecommended), only a special few will see that the leather holding up your pants is of the expensive variety. And only a special few need to know. 

There’s got to be one thing you don’t like about wearing a belt. 

Being Perceived As Dumb For Not Being Able To Buy Pants That Fit 

I’ve been on this earth for almost three decades, so you think I would have figured out how to buy clothes that fit me properly. While you could argue that pants requiring a belt could still technically “fit”, they’re not perfect. If I really think about it, maybe i should just blame pants manufacturers for not making pants that fit me. I’d be a decent fit model. As much as I like to think that I’m unique, there are quite a few just a little tall and slightly doughy guys out there that could benefit from Nick-sized pants. Now, does anyone who sees me wearing a belt think that makes me an idiot? Of course not. But if you’re not going to be your own harshest critic, who will be? 

[extremely Jerry Seinfeld voice] 

What’s the deal with this blog? Why would it recommend wearing a belt, something that almost everyone does already? Why does the writer of this blog think he’s an authority on anything at all? And shouldn’t this post end in a joke?

love,

nicholas